My World is Different

My world is different than most people my age.

Today is 17 years since my mom passed. Saying it out loud seems so surreal. How can 17 years feel like yesterday and forever at the same time? How does losing her feel so close but also a miles away at the same time?

I am constantly asked “when does it get easier” whether that is from people trying to understand or people who have been through the same situation. Honestly… I don’t know how to answer that.

Some days it feels like it has gotten easier and the grief has gone away but those days can be scary. The times that I go throughout the whole day without missing her. Those are the I fear because I do not want to forget her.. her smile… her laugh… her love.

Other days come along and it feels like she died yesterday and those days are dark. I feel like I am back to the few years after she died where I would ask my dad if it was my fault and if she would ever come back again. I cried myself to sleep every night.

The days that are leading up to the anniversary are some of the hardest days, and I have many crying sessions. I forget what I did yesterday but I can remember the pain and all the details associated with her last few months. Even though I was young.. I remember.

No amount of time has made the bad days easier and no amount of time will make up for the fact that my mom won’t be at my college graduation, my wedding, or will never meet my kids. No amount of time will make the fact that I miss her ever go away.

I wouldn’t want it to. She was such an important person in my life and she loved me unconditionally only the way she knew how. If anyone knows the story, they know that she gave up her life so I could have one. Just like Christ did on the cross for us.

I know I will never stop missing her but I also know I would not be the person I am today if it wasn’t for my past. I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned but that will never take away the pain of missing her.

*Some of this was taken from Christielynnblog.org*