Hi Everyone

It’s been a while since I’ve written a post on here and a lot has happened

I began going to therapy, my uncle passed in the beginning of December, I moved away from Rock Hill the same week, I have begun graduate school, and my best friend is leaving the country

P.S. I’m so proud of her!

There have been many changes and I have to say it has been a hard transition

but I realize that I only get on here to write when something sad or negative is on my mind

Unfortunately that is the case tonight, but I plan on being more proactive with happy posts as well.

My therapist has encouraged me to be more intentional about realizing what I’m feeling and why Im feeling it in the moment.

So tonight I’m feeling sad. I miss my mom tonight.

It’s hard here because not many people know about my past and sometimes I don’t want to bring it up in the moment, just to talk to them about my sadness

But I know my past is on this app…

I miss her

I wish she was here

Graduate school is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I know she would be so proud of me… but I really miss her when all I want to do is just breathe and be held.

There’s nothing like a mothers hug when you’re stressed, and overwhelmed

I am missing that tonight.

That’s all

🤍

For the past two weeks I have been running around non-stop.

Primarily I’ve been working 2 hours away from home.

When my job asked me to do this I thought of saying no…. because I was afraid of being alone.

Checking into a hotel alone

Saying “just one” at restaurants

Going alone on hikes

To some people this seems like a dream come true but to me it’s terrifying. I have NEVER been comfortable doing these things alone.

I’m used to being alone at home but going out in public was a different story.

But

This has been the most eye-opening experience and after one week I said let’s do it again.

The nervousness tends to go away after getting used to the uncomfortable

I was able to seek discomfort to gain comfort… wow!

If 2 year ago me could see me now. Wow!

I’ve been so blessed in this experience. Much love and I want to encourage everyone else!

Just a reminder

No one prepared you for what you were going to go through

There was no way you could have been prepared

And you still handled it with grace

And you still did the best you could

And that is enough

You’ve survived a 100% of your worst days and you are still here

I don’t care if you are low right now, I don’t care where on the spectrum you are at, you are still here

After all of that

And I am so proud of you

If no ones told you lately

I am so proud of you!

Today was a hard day to start off.

It took the most just to get out of bed.. but then

I walked outside and said I want to make today good! It’s 4th of July!

I got dressed and drove windows down and radio on music set to my favorite songs

Had lunch with one of my closest friends

AND

Made cupcakes for my small group

Turns out none of my small group could come, and I felt alone.

I think the body remembers trauma because This day has always been a difficult day and my mood just switched.

But then I cleaned my kitchen and GOT UP!

I walked outside and sat watching the fireworks by myself it was beautiful.

I enjoyed it… by myself… what?!? That’s so not like me

Then my neighbors started shooting some off and I joined.

I made some new friends where I originally wasn’t even going to leave my house today.

Step outside your comfort zone

It can change you 💕

I was starting to think I was going to go all these months and not get COVID, but I finally did.

I’m 5 days into my quarantine process and honestly the hardest part is not having contact with the outside world.

I am staying in my bedroom because I have an apartment mate and I do not want to get her sick as well.

I’ve had some good friends bring me a drink or goodies by, but I’ve rarely talked to anyone, and I know that’s because everyone is busy.

I just didn’t realize how lonely I could get.

I thought I’d be okay and a majority of the time I’m okay, but I miss my friends. I miss coffee time with my roommates, and I miss being outside.

I didn’t realize how lonely some people can get in isolation like this especially when they are alone. I guess if you are quarantining with other people or with family you can play games and pass the time.

But I never thought about the people who didn’t have anyone.

From now on I’m going to continuously check on the people who are alone during this time. I’ve learned a lot

And

Today I broke down for the first time. Just because I’m mentally tired of this, but I shouldn’t be tired. I haven’t even done anything.

Anyway these are my thoughts many that don’t make sense and are out of order but I feel better writing them down

Thanks for reading

Like I’ve mentioned before grief comes and goes in waves, and sometimes it hits you more than others and can affect all of your relationships.

I had a really hard week last week and those feelings and emotions have carried over to this week.

Last week my dad told me that him and his fiancé of 9 years were splitting up.

The news of this surprised me but didn’t shock me. They’ve been struggling for a little bit, and she never meshed well with our family.

But she was there for very influential parts of my life. Places I wanted my mother to be. Prom, graduation, college, college graduation, and many vacations and other activities.

Although I wasn’t her biggest fan she was still there and cared for me even when I pushed her away.

The one thing that really affected me was that I had to say goodbye to my dog.

Lucy, my dog, was there for me through my deep depression when I had no one or anything.

And I had to leave her for good because she was Tammy’s.

And that loss hurts deep and I don’t know why, but it does.

I hurt in my body because tammy is just another person that is gone, another one that has left my life.

BUT

It’s not just about me.

I will be okay because God has never left me and he will NEVER leave me. He can take this from me and teach me more through this. I pray that he does!

But

I also pray for my father who has to go through another break up

I pray that he will be okay with his form of grief because this will bring up many different memories and feelings from the past.

I wish I could take away is pain, hurt, and anger but I can’t.

I pray for our strength in this situation.

Anyway thank you for reading my Ted talk 🤷🏼‍♀️

This past weekend we took a trip up to Gatlinburg, TN.

This is a place I’ve been before but this was before I decided to seek discomfort.

This time I truly looked for discomfort in even the smallest of areas.

We rode through the streets and we blasted music from the car and sang with people on the sidewalk. Not something I would usually do but I got so much joy out of this!

I then went and talked to a stranger (following COVID guidelines of course) and she was super nice.

A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet.

This is a quote I think about a lot.

I walked across the suspended bridge in the mountain, and was not scared… progress is beautiful from a couple months before.

AND

I sang karaoke by myself.

Yes

You heard that correctly

BY MYSELF

I had confidence and people were in on it as well.

I realized I would never see these people again. Why not have fun of my own.

I didn’t have to worry if people were gonna judge me or not. I didn’t care. I enjoyed what I was doing

This was all thanks to a great group of people I was with! Specifically one friend who is constantly pushing himself and it gave me way more confidence

Thank you friends!

Where will I seek discomfort next?

Anxiety is something that I wrestle with.

Not as often as my depression, but sometimes out of the blue it hits me like a truck.

Today I had an awesome chill day with my roommates and friend.

Yes, I had a list of things to do because it was my only day off, but their quality time is WAY more important.

Around 6 o’clock, after I drop my roommate off at work and return a vacuum to a friend I headed home.

I walked into the house and everything was fine for about 30 minutes, then out of no where,

ANXIETY overload!

I can’t even explain the feeling. I just dropped everything I was doing , put on my pajamas, went to my room and lit a candle.

I just had some peace and prayer.

This did not make it magically disappear but I was able to have some sort of peace while wrestling with these thoughts.

I don’t know why I’m writing this because I don’t have an ending… but if you are reading this I want you to know

Anxiety is real

Even when you forget it exists for a while

Find something or someone to help you. You are not alone

Much love,

Ashley

My dad tested positive for COVID yesterday. Today is Christmas Eve.

I’m so sad that I cannot see him on Christmas because this is supposed to be time with family and community.

Instead he is in isolation.

Not the ideal way to celebrate the holiday

I will go over and open presents on the other side of a window so we can make the best out of our situation.

Throughout the past day I’ve experienced a lot of different emotions that I thought I would write down.

1. Anger

I was very angry with him for going to a Christmas party and not being safe.

I’m angry that his fiancé doesn’t wear her mask and even though she was at the party, she is not getting tested. This is making it an increased risk for everyone that she is around.

2. Sadness

I’m sad that this is the first Christmas that I haven’t been able to spend with my dad.

I’m sad I won’t be able to bug him and enjoy his presence while drinking warm coffee in front of the tree.

I’m sad because this was something I was dreading this whole time and it finally happened.

3. Anxious

The last person to get COVID in my family was put in the hospital and almost on a vent.

I’m not prepared for that if it happens to him.

He’s my only parent left and I have so many more things I need his help on.

Not that I think he’s going to die but these are some thoughts circulating in my head

And last but not least

4. Grateful

I’m grateful for everyone in my family who is taking me in during this holiday season.

I’m thankful for friends who are supporting me

I’m grateful for a church that genuinely cares about its people and is prayerfully dependent.

In summation,

If you are around your families for the holidays hug them a little tighter for me and take in every minute.

That’s all for now,

Love ya!

Ashley Erwin

Today my ex boyfriend got engaged.

We dated for 3 years and We broke up over 3 years ago and I’ve healed so much during this time. Occasionally I would think how my life would be different if I was still with him, but overall I believe I’ve moved on.

Which is very freeing, but I probably didn’t get to that point till last year.

Yes him and I talked about getting engaged, married and starting a family. I was “in love” or what I thought love was.

Until I realized how toxic our relationship actually was.

But today, I saw that post and photos and my heart sank.

I wasn’t sure why, that was so long ago… i should have been fine

The person I was with when I saw the photos said “you should be fine now it’s been a long time ”

But for some reason I wasn’t fine.

In some deep part of my mind I guess I thought we would end up back together some how. And honestly maybe that’s why I’ve never been able to get into another relationship since.

He was my first love, and will always hold some place in my heart.

BUT

I am so thankful that God took me out of that relationship and has brought me to where I am today.

Despite what I’ve been told, it’s okay to feel some sadness or even anger right now. I just trust that God will teach me how to work through these emotions now so I know how to in the future.