I’m looking back over the past year and I’m seeing how far I’ve come from this time in 2019.

I’ve been growing in my faith and God had constantly been teaching me things about myself that I never expected.

The past couple days I have been in awe of how far God has brought me.

Tomorrow will be 18 years since my mom passed away and it is incredibly sad, but this year it’s different.

I feel like there has been some weight lifted from the grief I usually feel. And is is strange because I normally feel the weight of the world pushing me into the ground.

I am still experiencing sadness and there have been moments of depression creeping back in but all I can continue to think about is my moms sacrificial love that she showed.

Learning more about this has helped this week, but I’ve also learned to talk about her.

I thought that if I talked about her then all those memories of her would just disappear from my brain, but they haven’t. It has been quite the opposite.

I don’t open up this side of my life very much but when I have throughout the year it has been peaceful, a calm.

Not much pain, just the feeling of missing her. Which is NORMAL

I tell myself my emotions are okay to feel almost every day because I was never taught that.

I’ve learned this from my mom but also the rest of my friends and family.

Tomorrow will be tough, I will be sad, but I will also thank God for my mom and for how she has shaped me.

Where to begin,

You COVID-19 has affected many people in my life but two of those people are some of the most important people in my life.

My grandmother and grandfather.

They came down with COVID around two weeks ago and then sh*t hit the fan.

For my grandfather it was a pretty simple recovery. He got sick with a fever and cough but resolved in a few days after medication, one day trip to the hospital for oxygen, and more medication.

This was maybe a week… but he’s still gaining his strength back.

My grandmother on the other hand was a completely different story.

She got put in the hospital, her oxygen wouldn’t stay up, fever wouldn’t come down and they didn’t know what to do.

They transferred her to bigger hospital with more equipment and we were told to prepare because they were going to put her on a vent. The doctor said this was one of the worst cases he has seen yet.

But she’s a fighter and wanted to try a 5 day medication first. So they did.

By this point I was sad, scared and every other emotion possible. My only comfort was God.

My mom has passed, my other have grandparents have passed, my dad was out of the country and my grandmother was the one person I could go to in times like this… but I couldn’t now.

I was scared to lose the women who helped raise me, the one who shaped me into who I am.

Until.

The medication began working!

She began to use less and less oxygen from the machine and more from her lungs.

She is now out of the hospital and is in a rehab facility preparing to come home!

God did not have to save her but I’m so blessed that He did. He was watching and protecting her all day everyday even when we felt hopeless.

Even in a world that feels like it’s falling apart knowing He is our constant is very comforting.

I pray for everyone battling COVID-19 right now. That you feel the love and comfort from God that I have 💛

Grief is something that never truly goes away and sometimes it can be hard to explain.

Some days you are fine and others are unbearable.

In those unbearable days I never want to talk to anyone or do anything.

Back in February a friend sent me a post about grief and this was the first time I thought about it in this light.

I’ve come to live with my grief and have become good at controlling it.

Please share this..

These photos made it easier to understand for those who have not felt an unimaginable loss or any type of grief.

Thank you.

Today is your birthday

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day

There is not a day that goes by where I don’t miss you, and I cannot wait to see you again.

For many years these were some of the saddest days of my life because I did not get to spend it with you, but this past year has made me realize the sacrifices you had made for me and how lucky I was to have you in my life.

You showed me the love of a mother is overwhelming and never ending.

This year I have some sadness, especially when everyone I see is buying gifts for their moms or writing cards. But overall I am grateful that I had you in my life for the time I did.

You shaped me into who I am today, when you were here and even after you were gone.

Thank you for everything!

I love you Mom

One of my biggest fears in my life is losing my dad, my last parent.

This thought has always been in the front of my mind whether he’s going to the store or if he is out partying with his friends.

Now with everything happening this fear is strong…. I am on high alert, every phone call I get from him.

He is young and he exercises, but he does have respiratory problems. This scares me because what if he gets the virus and is not able to fight it off.

When you lose one parent so young, this is always going to be a fear.

Though I have God has continually reminded me that we cannot control our time when we will go.

He knows when our minutes are up and we cannot do anything about it.

If my fathers minutes count down because of COVID-19 then that is Gods plan.

BUT…… I WILL NOT DWELL IN THIS FEAR!

I will continue to seek after the Lord and love continually. No matter the circumstances. Prayer and being in the word keeps me grounded.

Please share your fears with me so I can be praying for you as well!

Thank you for hearing mine.

Like most of us know, sometimes the right decision isn’t the easiest decision.

Lately I’ve been faced with a lot of decisions and I am trying to handle them differently than I would have 4 years ago.

4 years ago I would have gotten mad and frustrated and dropped the situation all together and isolated myself…

But now…

I’m faced with the hard decision on which way I will run.

Option 1: run away from my fears

Option 2: run to face them head on

I’ve always been taught to face my fears head on and to not be afraid of rejection, but I have always acted opposite, I ran away.

Recently I changed that.

I faced my situation head on and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do.

6 months later and I am still struggling with the results.

Most of the time I feel perfectly okay

But then sometimes out of the blue I breakdown into tears and I am in overwhelming emotional pain.

This is where it is different than 4 years ago. Then, I would have bottled it up and not said anything

But now I’ve realized that God gave me these emotions to feel, and through feeling these I am healing. He’s given me people to talk to.

Yes, there are some days that I still struggle with the results of that decision but I know that God is helping me grow even though it hurts.

He is “pruning my roots”

I am so thankful for all the difficult times that God has given me. They have allowed me to grow into who I am, and I love who that is.

To anyone that reads this:

Please don’t be afraid to take risks.

Accept failure and face your fears head on.

Allow God to teach you and realize when he is “pruning” you.

You know that feeling

That feeling of when you just have to talk to your best friend or parent about some big thing that has happened in your life or even when you are just sad?

Or… are you just like me… afraid.

I’m afraid to share my feelings with those who are close to me because of judgement and my own insecurities.

I’m worried they will leave… even worse… I’m worried they will stay.

I’ve never been the person that has that one person they tell everything to.

I have friends, I have some family.. but no one I trust enough to tell everything to.

Many of my friends don’t know the demons in my head or the things I struggle with.

Many don’t know my past…

but I trust some friends, so I tell them my past

Afraid that I’m going to get the look …. yes you know “the look”

The pity or sadness or whatever emotion They feel.

Then, on occasion someone will make a comment. Not realizing what they had just said then they give “the look”

I guess that’s why I keep things to myself. The deep, important things.

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to hide anything. I just can’t open up yet.

Maybe soon…

How often do you think about what you are going to say before you say it?

For me… not often enough

Words cut deeply.. that one word or that one phrase can change a persons mood.

We’ve all done it. Said something then instantly regret saying it

Yep… been there

If you look back at your life there’s always that one phrase or word that stands out.

Because of the hurt and pain

Words cut deep

People, including myself, rarely ever think about how the next few words you say can affect a person.

Just think…

…… think before you speak

Next time they may not let it go.

This sounds cliché but I would rather say “see you later”

The thought of never being able to see them again or speak to them again is unbearable… I am okay until I remember that, and THEN I break to pieces.

I’ve never been good at goodbyes.

I hold on to small pieces and don’t let them go, like that one shirt that smelt like you or that piece of jewelry you always wore.

These things allow me to remember them, the good and the bad.

Maybe that’s okay.

Maybe I am bad at goodbyes but I will love you with all my heart until I can “see you later”

When we began I thought you were the one. The one I would spend my life with.

The longer time passed the more I realized that wasn’t the truth.

You were never straightforward and you hurt me deeply.

The love that I had began to fade into pain and sadness…

Eventually…

The love went away and left a void in my heart. I never thought it could be repaired.

Until time passed by and I began to realize you didn’t dictate my happiness or my life.

Now (present time) I am so thankful for what we had that long time ago. I learned to trust not in material possessions, but in God, and my faith grew stronger.

I have learned patience, love and boundaries. Being okay with trusting in God’s plan was the biggest lesson learned throughout this time.

We may have not ended like I thought but God taught me through every step of the way and He is preparing me for the future.

Thank you… to the one I used to love.