Acceptance is supposedly the “last stage” of grief. I believe that is true to some extent.

Over the past month, but last night in particular I felt acceptance, like true acceptance, not the fake it till I make it type. I feel peace.

Yes there were some hard days and there still will be, but I am so thankful.

I’m thankful that God gave me time with her, even though it was short.

I’m thankful I can learn from her selflessness and kindness

I watched home movies last night and felt a calmness and no tears, it felt different, but a good different. Now when I read her letter and hear stories I am not overwhelmed by the pain but overwhelmed by her willingness to give up herself for me. Her selflessness.

Part of me felt like I would forget her if I was not grieving or if I did not feel sad every day. Someone recently showed me that is not true….

Seeing her picture, remembering the happy times, and talking about her is good. I just realized, 17 years later, that doing this is the way it is supposed to be.

Just because I am going through this right now does not mean I will always be okay. There will still be tough days…

but…..

Right Now…..

Is Peaceful.

Finally.

My world is different than most people my age.

Today is 17 years since my mom passed. Saying it out loud seems so surreal. How can 17 years feel like yesterday and forever at the same time? How does losing her feel so close but also a miles away at the same time?

I am constantly asked “when does it get easier” whether that is from people trying to understand or people who have been through the same situation. Honestly… I don’t know how to answer that.

Some days it feels like it has gotten easier and the grief has gone away but those days can be scary. The times that I go throughout the whole day without missing her. Those are the I fear because I do not want to forget her.. her smile… her laugh… her love.

Other days come along and it feels like she died yesterday and those days are dark. I feel like I am back to the few years after she died where I would ask my dad if it was my fault and if she would ever come back again. I cried myself to sleep every night.

The days that are leading up to the anniversary are some of the hardest days, and I have many crying sessions. I forget what I did yesterday but I can remember the pain and all the details associated with her last few months. Even though I was young.. I remember.

No amount of time has made the bad days easier and no amount of time will make up for the fact that my mom won’t be at my college graduation, my wedding, or will never meet my kids. No amount of time will make the fact that I miss her ever go away.

I wouldn’t want it to. She was such an important person in my life and she loved me unconditionally only the way she knew how. If anyone knows the story, they know that she gave up her life so I could have one. Just like Christ did on the cross for us.

I know I will never stop missing her but I also know I would not be the person I am today if it wasn’t for my past. I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned but that will never take away the pain of missing her.

*Some of this was taken from Christielynnblog.org*

This word “seatbelt” was brought up today. This word is a trigger for me.

Something that I don’t share that often, and I’m usually okay, but today I’m not okay.

It is his birthday, oh how I wish you could see your 20th year, and I could be by your side celebrating it with you.

One decision not to click it…

One strap that can save a life….

seatbelt

Seatbelt

SEATBELT

Why couldn’t you have worn it.

I miss you friend 💛

Happy Birthday!

There is so much that we take for granted in this life.

Rock Hill lost access to water today and the town went crazy. The schools closed down, then the restaurants closed down. We didn’t even have access to bathrooms.

As soon as we heard what happened everyone rushed to the closest store and bought as much water as they could!

But

Did we stop and think about all the workers who would be fixing this for us? Did we pray for them? For their safety?

No. We simply put our needs first.

There are so many people around the world who do not have access to clean drinking water or have to walk miles to get water.

I could simply get In my car drive 20 minutes and buy some water.

Next time instead of going crazy. We should take a minute. Thank God for everything that we have and pray for the people who are trying to fix the problem to make our lives easier.

I see the depth of the hole

The hole of loneliness

I see every….

Rigid rock bed

Every…..

Speck of danger

I feel myself being pulled further and further into the hole

Being stabbed by the different jaded rocks

I feel like this is ever going to end and I’m never going to see the light

until

I see a small flower in the crack of the sharp dusty rocks

How has it been nourished?

How did it survive?

It has gotten some form of sunlight

It has been given the power to grow

I realize….

I am not alone

God will ALWAYS be there

He’s ALWAYS working in me and nourishing me

God will NEVER leave me

I AM NOT ALONE

I drove up to the course on the day of the much anticipated state tournament. I smelt the brisk breeze of the cold autumn air…. I have to start the day in a jacket, because it was late October. Mixed with the cold air was the smell of freshly cut grass, which gave me the feeling of peace because it felt like home. I arrive on the driving range looking at my opponents, taking in the competition. Looking at the every divot and blade of grass to make sure I have the proper practicing area. 

It is time to get loose….. 

I am stretching and I can feel the warm blood flowing through my body… it gives me chills. I am loose. I begin practicing and hear the sounds of the players hitting the balls. I can hear every shot, whether the good shot with the loud whip or the bad shot with the shank. 

My coach comes to me and says “its time”…… I grab my bag swing it over my back and walk to the first tee. I hear the sound of the squirrels and the crunch of the leaves below my feet.  The butterflies in my stomach are getting worse… I put the tee in the ground feel the ridges of the ball on my hand… I am ready to win!

One practice swing in, “try not to lift your head” Try not to lift your head” is all I can think of. My legs are shaking, my heart is beating fast… I swing….. I hear the solid whip of the ball. All the butterflies disappear. I did not lift my head. 

I continue to play, 17 holes in. I have trained for this my whole life. I am feeling strong I am ready to win. All I can focus on is my own heart beat, “lub dub, lub dub, lub dub”. The steady beat keeps my mind ready. I realize I am winning. It is real. The other 3 people go first and allow me the honor to hit last. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I looked to my right and see my coach who has been by my side for years. She gives me a thumbs up as I put the tee in the ground for the last time in a tournament. Tears begin filling in my eyes. 

I hit the last shot, a tear falls. I sink the last putt and heard the clink that the ball makes in the cup. I am done.. I am finished.. I walk to the end and tally up the scores. I wipe the sweat from my face and the butterflies are back while I am waiting for the results. 

The announcer grabs the microphone, I only see him….. He announces my name…. I heard the crowd cheering for me, I felt the cold metal going around my neck and the feeling of chills when the cold trophy goes into my hands. I realized I achieved the goal I had been working on my whole life, 16 years of work put into one moment. 

The feeling of accomplishment…. The feeling of success!

So long these walls have been building ….

…. through the hurt

….. through the rejection

….. through the abandonment

The wall kept getting higher

And higher

And HIGHER

until….

I met you.

You were the exception

You broke through my walls

You saw me for who I AM not who I was ….. and accepted ME

I laid my heart on the line

So today was Thursday, it was Gospel day at camp. This was the day during bible time we shared the gospel and give the children a chance to respond.

Every week the devil throws something at our team, whether it’s police chases or cars catching on fire, but today it was more subtle.

Our team was sick and being in a new state with 105 degrees with an outside camp does not help. Our team also was going through a lot emotionally.

The devil was trying to attack from every angle.

My depression got bad today, not during camps but after camp was over and the day was done. We were sitting in the car listening to music and it hit me like a freight train.

I thought “This is still a battle I fight every day and it’s okay to feel this way”

It was a hard day but there will always be hard days. Knowing God is on our side and we can trust in Him always is what will keep us going.

Even though today was hard we still had 13 of my campers at morning camp and 8 of my campers at night camp accept Christ or want to learn more about Him!

Praise the Lord! This is a reason to celebrate!!!!

“Be thankful always” is what was in my head all day. Even though I was sick and it was a rough day, I still came back to my host home with a roof over my head, dinner and a place to lay my head.

Simplicity

While the beach and beautiful ocean were one block away I found myself sitting in the back, looking toward the marsh.

The birds chirping and water running were simple and calming.

But across the way the crashing waves of the ocean and grittiness of the sand brought anxiety.

Every day I am faced with a new crashing wave that can come knock me over any second,

but I am reminded that through it all I have someone who is my calming spirit.

Taking the time to trust in God and pray will drastically change the strength of the waves that are crashing.

Remember you are never alone ♥️

Selah

Today was the first Mother’s Day I haven’t broken down into tears.

I felt distant in a way because I didn’t feel my normal emotions.

This week was a difficult week. Thursday was my moms birthday and today was Mother’s Day.

16 years ago my mom passed away and every year around this time I can never fully catch my breath and my heart always skips a beat.

But…

Today it was different.

Earlier this year I made a promise to myself that I would change my perspective in a bad situation.

So, I was coming into today knowing it would be hard, but once my day started I was surrounded by my church family then went home to be surrounded by more family.

I sat on the front porch watching the children play and took a Deep Breath.

I felt okay.

I realized that even though my mom isn’t here, I still have so much love surrounding me. She wouldn’t want me to be sad every year on this day, she would want me to rejoice in the life she had.

So, thank you mom. Thank you for giving me life and surrounding me with love.